Tips from Chandler family law attorney

First, the good news: overall divorce rates in the U.S. have declined in the past twenty years. But there’s some not-so-good news for married couples over fifty: in that age group, the rate of divorce has increased; in fact, it has doubled. As of 2012, one out of every four people going through divorce was over fifty — and one in ten was over sixty-five.

Fifty is by no means “old,” but we refer to couples over fifty going through divorce as “older couples,” because most people who divorce do so earlier in life, after fewer years of marriage. Why the increase in the divorce rate for older couples, whom you would think, by this stage in their marriage, had worked out the bugs, so to speak? And what considerations do older couples need to take into account?

Why Are More Couples Over Fifty Divorcing?

There are a number of possible reasons for the increase in divorce for couples over fifty. One is that there’s less stigma attached to divorce than there used to be. It could be that as more people see others their age pursuing a divorce, they realize they don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage because society expects it.

They also may not have realized the depth of their unhappiness until they were in their fifties. Busy work lives and hours devoted to children and their activities can mask the fact that a couple has little in common. Once retirement comes and the nest is empty, one or both partners may see that what’s left is not enough. Women, who in the past may not have been able to survive financially after divorce, are more likely to be self-supporting now, and less likely to stay in an unhappy marriage for financial reasons.

There’s also the statistical reality that second marriages are more likely to fail than first marriages, and third marriages more likely to fail than second ones. Some of the couples who are going through a so-called “gray divorce” may not be divorcing for the first time. That said, more than half of all gray divorces are to those who are in a first marriage, and the majority of those have lasted over 20 years. This may be because expectations for the fulfillment marriage should offer have risen over time. Simply put, people want more out of marriage than their grandparents did, and they’re more willing to leave if they don’t get it.

What Do Divorcing Couples Over Fifty Need to Consider?

There are two overarching themes divorcing couples over fifty need to take into account: social/emotional and financial.

On the social/emotional side, think about your support system. By the time you’re in your fifties, many of your friends tend to be other couples. Your divorce decree doesn’t say who gets custody of the friends, but it’s worth thinking about, as friends tend to drift toward one divorcing spouse and away from the other. Who will be your support system when you divorce, especially if you initiated the divorce or others see it as being “your fault?”

Additionally, while you may not have to worry about custody and parenting schedules, your divorce will have an impact on your relationships with your kids. If your adult children blame you for the divorce, you risk becoming estranged from them and your grandchildren, further weakening your support system.

Then there’s the financial side of things. Despite the conventional wisdom that men’s standard of living goes up after divorce and women’s goes down, the reality is that both may suffer. There are now two households to support, not one. There may may no longer be child support payments, but there might still be children to put through college. Who is paying the tuition? What happens if they don’t?

And don’t forget alimony, also known as spousal support. If one spouse was out of the work force for years caring for the kids, it’s unlikely that he or she is going to be able to pick up and be able to re-start a career that will allow for self-support this close to retirement age. And speaking of retirement, retirement benefits earned by one spouse during the marriage are community property. In short, divorcing after fifty means that couples may have a much different, and less comfortable, retirement than they had planned.

Even with the potential emotional and financial challenges, getting a divorce after the age of fifty might still be the right decision for you. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and the power to make the next chapter a good one.

If you’re over fifty and considering, or confronted with, a divorce in Arizona, you have many issues to think about. We invite you to contact Shaffer Family Law at (480) 470-3030 today to schedule a consultation with an experienced Arizona divorce attorney who can properly advise you regarding the appropriate next steps.

You’re in the midst of a divorce, one of the biggest and most stressful events of your life, and your divorce lawyer won’t return your phone calls. There might be any number of reasons why, but understanding the problem is only the beginning of finding the solution. Your goal is to get your questions answered and your stress level reduced–not increased by the frustration of being unable to communicate. Here are some tips for getting what you need from your divorce attorney without your blood pressure going through the roof:

Set expectations early.

If you’re early in your attorney-client relationship, ask the following questions in an initial meeting: How long should I wait for a call back if I call you? How often should I expect updates about my case? What’s your preferred way to communicate? What kinds of things should I contact you about, and when should I deal with your staff instead? Take note of the answers.

Assess the reason for your call.

It seems obvious, but many people pick up the phone and dial without knowing what their objective is. If you know what you need, you’ll be able to ask for it more efficiently. Your lawyer’s a lot more likely to call you back (and less likely to bill you for it) if he or she knows it will be a two-minute call instead of a twenty-minute one. Or, in figuring out your objective, you may discover that what you’re looking for is something you might better find elsewhere, like emotional support for the stress you’re going through, and you may decide not to call your attorney at all.

E-mail is your friend.

If you’re calling to convey factual information or ask a brief question, consider doing it by e-mail. First, this gives your attorney a record of what you wanted to communicate, and second, allows them to respond when they have a moment – which may not be when you’re free to talk. Even if the information merits a call, an advance e-mail can make the call more efficient.

Rely on paralegals and assistants.

It may be that your question doesn’t need to be answered by your attorney. Try his or her paralegal or assistant first. Support staff often have a wealth of knowledge, especially about procedural things. If the support staff isn’t equipped to answer your question, they’ll give it to the attorney, who now knows his staff has deemed it necessary for him to deal with.

Don’t make threats.

Yes, your attorney has an ethical duty to keep you informed about your case. That doesn’t mean he or she is subject to disbarment for failing to call you back quickly. Threatening to call the State Bar on your attorney will not make him want to do his best work for you. Thinking about your own work experience, how do you feel when you hear that a customer who is known for harsh language and complaining is waiting for you to pick up on Line 1? Your attorney gets the same feeling. Also, don’t make threats to fire your attorney unless you really plan to. No one responds well to ultimatums.

Make an appointment.

If all else fails, make an appointment for a fifteen-minute phone call or a face-to-face meeting. Explain, with specific examples if possible, how your expectations for communications have not been met, and ask the attorney what he or she thinks is causing the breakdown. Listen to the answers, and be ready for the possibility that you bear some responsibility. Also be prepared for the possibility that you and your attorney are not a good fit and that you may need to consider retaining a different attorney. It’s better to do that than have the outcome of your divorce jeopardized by inability to communicate with your attorney.

If you need to get a new attorney…

Choose carefully. Get referrals from people you know and trust in order to choose the best divorce attorney for you. Interview your prospective attorney, and make clear that communication is important to you. As noted above, ask how, when, and with whom you can expect to communicate, and clarify what to do if those expectations are not being met.

The bottom line is that, although your attorney is surely busy, they should recognize that you are relying on them for information about something that will affect your life and your relationships. Your attorney deserves to be treated with consideration and respect, but so do you. Your relationship with your divorce attorney is a partnership, which like all partnerships, requires regular and clear communication. If you do your part, your attorney will be able to do his or her part much better.

Learn more about why we believe mutual respect and solid communication between divorce lawyers and clients is so essential. We invite you to Shaffer Family Law online, or call (480) 470-3030 today to schedule a consultation.

When your marriage has fallen apart, it seems natural to share your feelings with your friends — and increasingly, the way we do that is on social media. Whether you’re venting anger or celebrating a fresh start, you should be very careful what you share, and how, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all the other websites and apps.

Don’t think that just because you’ve blocked your soon-to-be ex, you’re in the clear. You’d be surprised at what information can make your way to your spouse, or to your spouse’s attorney. A good rule of thumb is that you should never share anything on social media that you wouldn’t be willing to say in front of a judge at a divorce trial.

How can you protect yourself from the consequences of your life online? Read on to find out.

Get an Electronic Divorce First.

Spouses often share devices and even passwords. You’ll want to stop that right away. On the one hand, changing passwords and safeguarding your laptop may alert your spouse to the fact that you’re contemplating divorce, or at the very least that you’re hiding something. On the other, you simply have no reasonable expectation of privacy if you share passwords. Also, stop using a shared computer if you haven’t already; your spouse may be able to access the history of your activity.

However, you should not delete or alter existing posts in social media, as a court may view that as deliberate destruction of evidence. Just deactivate the accounts. Besides, even if you think you’ve wiped something incriminating off of the internet, you don’t know who has a screenshot that could later reveal you to have said or done something that reflects poorly on you, as well as to have lied about it or attempted to cover it up.

It’s Not Just What You Say; It’s What You Do (And What Others Do).

You’re smart enough not to post a status update that says, “Heading off to Vegas for the weekend with my girlfriend (don’t tell my wife)!” But you may be using social media without even realizing it, using your Facebook info to log into another site, for instance. Some people have even used account information for their social media to sign up for dating sites.

And it’s not just your own social media use you have to worry about. You may have blocked your own posts from everyone you don’t want to see them, but if you’re tagged in someone else’s photo, or even if you’re just pictured, say, embracing someone who is not your spouse, that can come back to haunt you. Everybody’s got a phone, and every phone has a camera, and every camera can upload pictures to social media quicker than you can say, “lost custody.”

A colleague had a client who suspected her husband was having an affair with a mutual acquaintance. His social media was locked up tight, and the wife couldn’t see it. The suspected girlfriend, however, had wide-open privacy settings, such that the wife, was able to see, and take screenshots of the girlfriend’s posts. This included a picture of her snuggling on the husband’s lap and a status update in which she gushed about the bracelet he’d bought her.

Even if posts are not incriminating in and of themselves, they may give your spouse and his or her attorney ideas to pursue during the discovery phase of your case. In the example above, the wife’s attorney was able to sleuth out a secret bank account the husband was keeping, and the husband wound up having to repay the marital estate for the money he had spent on the girlfriend.

How Not to Get Burned by Social Media in Your Divorce

The best advice is simply: don’t use it, with the possible exception of career and professional networking sites like LinkedIn, where you don’t really post personal information. Ask your friends not to tag you in pictures, posts, or tweets. And since you can’t control what other people ultimately choose to take pictures of or post, try not to place yourself in a situation you wouldn’t want brought to your divorce judge’s attention.

If you’re contemplating a divorce and have children, no doubt the issue of custody is on your mind. You may have heard horror stories from friends and families of children passed back and forth between parents’ homes like a football, never quite settling in, often acting out. You don’t want that for your children—but what is the alternative?

One option is what’s called “bird’s nest” custody. In bird’s nest custody, the children don’t move back and forth between parents’ homes. Instead, the children remain in one home, and the parents take turns living in the “nest” with them. When it’s not one parent’s turn to spend time with the kids, he or she lives elsewhere.

Advantages of Bird’s Nest Custody

Obviously, the biggest advantage of bird’s nest custody is the children have stability in their living situation. They have one bedroom, not a room at each parent’s home that somehow never feels fully like their own. They never have to worry if they’re sleeping at Mommy’s or Daddy’s house tonight, or if they left their soccer uniform at the “other” house. If a neighborhood friend is having a sleepover, children don’t have to miss out because they’re staying with a parent who lives a half-hour away.

In some ways, bird’s nest custody is easier on parents, too. For example, if information needs to be exchanged, a note can be left on the bulletin board or calendar in the primary home. Also, this type of custody arrangement offers a physical reminder to be present and engaged with the children: when you’re in the “nest,” you put down your cell phone and focus on the kids.

Because there are a lot of logistical details to bird’s nest custody, it’s something parents need to agree to; courts will not typically order this arrangement otherwise. The advantage of this is that parents who do choose it are typically motivated to make it work.

Disadvantages of Bird’s Nest Custody

What bird’s nest custody offers in terms of stability and predictability for kids, it takes away from parents to a certain degree. Parents have to get used to living in different places, depending on the day (though this is probably less disruptive to adults than to children).

Perhaps the bigger issue is the expense of the arrangement, since presumably each parent will want their own home in addition to the “nest.” Thus, two parents are paying for three households, instead of two. This factor alone may make bird’s nest custody impractical for many families.

Bird’s nest custody can also pose a challenge for parents wishing to move on to new relationships. If you want to live with a new partner, they need to either be willing to move back and forth with you (assuming the custody order allows this) or be willing to live alone for days at a time when you’re in the nest with your kids.

Making Bird’s Nest Custody Work

Bird’s nest custody is not for everyone. But assuming that your finances permit, and you and your ex are willing to make some sacrifices for the sake of your kids, here are some things to keep in mind:

• Decide in advance, and put in writing, who will be responsible for what chores, expenses, household maintenance, groceries, etc.
• Maintain boundaries. Each parent should have some space in the house that is off-limits to the other.
• Plan for your “other” home to be as geographically close to the nest as possible.
• Agree on and establish parenting rules to be followed in the nest.
• Remember that the rules that apply to making a parenting plan work still apply in this situation.
• Before beginning, make sure you and your ex get along well enough to be up to this challenge. If you and your ex are constantly bickering over the management of the shared home, and your kids are exposed to that conflict, are they really better off?

To learn more about bird’s nest custody, and whether it could be right for your family, we invite you to Shaffer Family Law at (480) 470-3030 today to schedule a consultation.