Tips from Chandler family law attorney

When your marriage has fallen apart, it seems natural to share your feelings with your friends — and increasingly, the way we do that is on social media. Whether you’re venting anger or celebrating a fresh start, you should be very careful what you share, and how, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all the other websites and apps.

Don’t think that just because you’ve blocked your soon-to-be ex, you’re in the clear. You’d be surprised at what information can make your way to your spouse, or to your spouse’s attorney. A good rule of thumb is that you should never share anything on social media that you wouldn’t be willing to say in front of a judge at a divorce trial.

How can you protect yourself from the consequences of your life online? Read on to find out.

Get an Electronic Divorce First.

Spouses often share devices and even passwords. You’ll want to stop that right away. On the one hand, changing passwords and safeguarding your laptop may alert your spouse to the fact that you’re contemplating divorce, or at the very least that you’re hiding something. On the other, you simply have no reasonable expectation of privacy if you share passwords. Also, stop using a shared computer if you haven’t already; your spouse may be able to access the history of your activity.

However, you should not delete or alter existing posts in social media, as a court may view that as deliberate destruction of evidence. Just deactivate the accounts. Besides, even if you think you’ve wiped something incriminating off of the internet, you don’t know who has a screenshot that could later reveal you to have said or done something that reflects poorly on you, as well as to have lied about it or attempted to cover it up.

It’s Not Just What You Say; It’s What You Do (And What Others Do).

You’re smart enough not to post a status update that says, “Heading off to Vegas for the weekend with my girlfriend (don’t tell my wife)!” But you may be using social media without even realizing it, using your Facebook info to log into another site, for instance. Some people have even used account information for their social media to sign up for dating sites.

And it’s not just your own social media use you have to worry about. You may have blocked your own posts from everyone you don’t want to see them, but if you’re tagged in someone else’s photo, or even if you’re just pictured, say, embracing someone who is not your spouse, that can come back to haunt you. Everybody’s got a phone, and every phone has a camera, and every camera can upload pictures to social media quicker than you can say, “lost custody.”

A colleague had a client who suspected her husband was having an affair with a mutual acquaintance. His social media was locked up tight, and the wife couldn’t see it. The suspected girlfriend, however, had wide-open privacy settings, such that the wife, was able to see, and take screenshots of the girlfriend’s posts. This included a picture of her snuggling on the husband’s lap and a status update in which she gushed about the bracelet he’d bought her.

Even if posts are not incriminating in and of themselves, they may give your spouse and his or her attorney ideas to pursue during the discovery phase of your case. In the example above, the wife’s attorney was able to sleuth out a secret bank account the husband was keeping, and the husband wound up having to repay the marital estate for the money he had spent on the girlfriend.

How Not to Get Burned by Social Media in Your Divorce

The best advice is simply: don’t use it, with the possible exception of career and professional networking sites like LinkedIn, where you don’t really post personal information. Ask your friends not to tag you in pictures, posts, or tweets. And since you can’t control what other people ultimately choose to take pictures of or post, try not to place yourself in a situation you wouldn’t want brought to your divorce judge’s attention.

If you’re contemplating a divorce and have children, no doubt the issue of custody is on your mind. You may have heard horror stories from friends and families of children passed back and forth between parents’ homes like a football, never quite settling in, often acting out. You don’t want that for your children—but what is the alternative?

One option is what’s called “bird’s nest” custody. In bird’s nest custody, the children don’t move back and forth between parents’ homes. Instead, the children remain in one home, and the parents take turns living in the “nest” with them. When it’s not one parent’s turn to spend time with the kids, he or she lives elsewhere.

Advantages of Bird’s Nest Custody

Obviously, the biggest advantage of bird’s nest custody is the children have stability in their living situation. They have one bedroom, not a room at each parent’s home that somehow never feels fully like their own. They never have to worry if they’re sleeping at Mommy’s or Daddy’s house tonight, or if they left their soccer uniform at the “other” house. If a neighborhood friend is having a sleepover, children don’t have to miss out because they’re staying with a parent who lives a half-hour away.

In some ways, bird’s nest custody is easier on parents, too. For example, if information needs to be exchanged, a note can be left on the bulletin board or calendar in the primary home. Also, this type of custody arrangement offers a physical reminder to be present and engaged with the children: when you’re in the “nest,” you put down your cell phone and focus on the kids.

Because there are a lot of logistical details to bird’s nest custody, it’s something parents need to agree to; courts will not typically order this arrangement otherwise. The advantage of this is that parents who do choose it are typically motivated to make it work.

Disadvantages of Bird’s Nest Custody

What bird’s nest custody offers in terms of stability and predictability for kids, it takes away from parents to a certain degree. Parents have to get used to living in different places, depending on the day (though this is probably less disruptive to adults than to children).

Perhaps the bigger issue is the expense of the arrangement, since presumably each parent will want their own home in addition to the “nest.” Thus, two parents are paying for three households, instead of two. This factor alone may make bird’s nest custody impractical for many families.

Bird’s nest custody can also pose a challenge for parents wishing to move on to new relationships. If you want to live with a new partner, they need to either be willing to move back and forth with you (assuming the custody order allows this) or be willing to live alone for days at a time when you’re in the nest with your kids.

Making Bird’s Nest Custody Work

Bird’s nest custody is not for everyone. But assuming that your finances permit, and you and your ex are willing to make some sacrifices for the sake of your kids, here are some things to keep in mind:

• Decide in advance, and put in writing, who will be responsible for what chores, expenses, household maintenance, groceries, etc.
• Maintain boundaries. Each parent should have some space in the house that is off-limits to the other.
• Plan for your “other” home to be as geographically close to the nest as possible.
• Agree on and establish parenting rules to be followed in the nest.
• Remember that the rules that apply to making a parenting plan work still apply in this situation.
• Before beginning, make sure you and your ex get along well enough to be up to this challenge. If you and your ex are constantly bickering over the management of the shared home, and your kids are exposed to that conflict, are they really better off?

To learn more about bird’s nest custody, and whether it could be right for your family, we invite you to Shaffer Family Law at (480) 470-3030 today to schedule a consultation.

Regardless of whether you or your spouse initiates your divorce, or whether you want to go full steam ahead or take time to carefully explore your options, meeting with a divorce attorney for the first time can be daunting. Here are some tips to put you at ease and help you get the most out of that first meeting.

What to Bring to the Appointment

Review your attorney’s website before your visit to see if there are any specific documents or information your attorney requests that people bring with them to the initial meeting.

If your spouse has initiated the divorce, it’s essential that you bring any papers you’ve been served with to the attorney. You have a very limited time to respond to the allegations in a divorce petition. If no one has filed for divorce yet, you should bring basic biographical information — names, addresses, important dates — that would help your attorney to prepare a divorce petition on your behalf.

While it’s not critical to bring financial documents to your first appointment, it is helpful. This information will be relevant at some point. It is quicker and much more -effective for you to gather bank statements, income tax returns, credit card statements, retirement and investment account statements, and the like than for your attorney to have to request them later from opposing counsel.

Lastly, write down a list of questions you have for your attorney. You may forget to ask something that’s important to you if you don’t have it written down. Leave space to jot down your lawyer’s answers, too. One good question many people don’t think to ask is, “What can I do to help keep my legal s down?” If there are things you can do to save your attorney time, it will save you money.

Preparing Emotionally and Mentally

You may have been thinking about divorce for a while, but actually sitting down with a lawyer takes things to another level. Or perhaps your spouse has blindsided you with a request for a divorce. No matter what your circumstances, meeting a divorce lawyer for the first time can be stressful, because it makes the prospect of divorce more real.

Divorce can make life feel out of control. A good divorce lawyer will help you take the reins again. Pay attention to how talking with a prospective lawyer makes you feel. No matter how skilled, an attorney who ramps up your anxiety may not be a good fit for you. The right lawyer for you will not only have extensive experience with Arizona family law, but will make you feel that you have a trusted advocate in your corner.

At Shaffer Family Law, we know our clients are counting on us to be their guides and advocates in the legal system. We also understand how stressful a divorce or other family law case can be on a personal level, and it’s important to us to offer the support our clients need from their first appointment through the resolution of their case. Contact Shaffer Family Law at (480) 470-3030 today to schedule a consultation.

Developing an effective parenting plan is important to the well-being of your child. A parenting plan establishes two things: how decisions will be made concerning the care of your child and a schedule for parents to spend time with the child. Having a solid plan will eliminate conflicts in the future and, more importantly, will allow your child to develop reliable expectations. Here are three tips for that will help make your parenting plan work:

1. Use a calendar

Kids and parents are busier today than ever before and staying organized is essential to making your parenting plan work. A calendar makes it easier for parents and children to keep track of where they will be and when. Using a calendar that is accessible to both parents will avoid confusion and resulting conflicts. There are many apps that can help parents manage their calendars electronically. In fact, many children find the use of an electronic calendar beneficial for planning their own lives and knowing what to expect.

2. Hone your communication skills

Even with the most detailed parenting plan, conflicts regarding parenting will inevitability arise. When this happens, it is important to think of communication as an extension of your parenting plan. Just as the purpose of a parenting plan is to create the best situation for your child, communicating with your former partner is essential to maintaining a positive environment for your child. Handle conflicts as you might handle a conflict at work—listen to the other person, calmly communicate your position, and try to amicably reach a resolution. You do not need to be best friends with your former partner, but you should try to maintain a respectful relationship for the benefit of your child.

3. Be flexible

Closely observe how your children are reacting to a parenting plan. Are their grades steady? How are they coping emotionally? Sometimes children need an adjustment to a parenting plan—even if the plan is working for the parents. As children adjust to their new lives, or simply grow older, you may need to work with your former partner to find the best arrangement for your child.

At Shaffer Family Law has helped many families establish a fair and beneficial parenting plan. Call our office today to schedule a consultation at (480) 470-3030.